In this episode: Divorce is a scary seven-letter word, and for many people therapy is the other one. Jon Peyton talks with therapist Dr. Ryan Carboneau about what therapy really is, when couples should bring it in, and how it helps whether you’re the one leaving or the one who was told.
Key insights
- A good therapist doesn’t hand you answers. They help you feel understood, notice your patterns and reach your own conclusions.
- Friends offer opinions shaped by their own lives; a therapist is unbiased and focused on your journey.
- Couples benefit from bringing in a third party early, not only when one partner has nearly lost hope.
- You can’t change your partner, but you can change your side of the relationship and set healthy boundaries.
- If you’ve just been told your spouse wants a divorce, the beginning of the process is the best time to start therapy.
- Understanding your own relationship patterns helps you avoid repeating them.
Episode timeline
- 0:00 Why therapy belongs in a divorce conversation
- 1:48 Meet Dr. Ryan Carboneau
- 8:00 What therapy is, and isn’t
- 16:42 Why a therapist won’t give you the answers
- 21:59 Setting goals in the first session
- 25:01 Therapy doesn’t have to be forever
- 29:43 Big-T and little-t trauma
- 36:02 Bring in a third party early in a marriage
- 39:22 When the root cause is years old
- 48:12 Asking your spouse to go to counseling
- 49:13 You can’t change your partner
- 56:08 Working on yourself before the next relationship
- 1:07:23 When you’re the one who was told
- 1:09:25 Why the beginning is the time to start
The episode in brief
Meet the guest. Dr. Ryan Carboneau has about 20 years of experience and runs his own practice, Northern Virginia Therapeutic Services. He and his wife started out counseling couples years ago, and he has been through therapy himself. Before you start, he says, it feels scary; afterward, many people wouldn’t give it up.
Therapy isn’t advice. Ryan’s first point surprises people: a good therapist doesn’t give you the answers. You can ask a hundred friends for their opinions and still not know what to do. A therapist’s job is to help you feel understood, point out patterns you may not see and help you reach your own decisions without shame or judgment. Jon compares it to his own work, where expertise quietly guides the conversation rather than being put on display.
Why not just talk to friends? Friends who hear the same story every weekend wear out, and mutual friends can end up taking sides. A therapist is unbiased. Often the nudge comes from someone close to you who notices you keep circling the same issue.
Goals, not a life sentence. Early sessions set goals: what will “doing well” look like? Therapy can be fluid: more often in a crisis, less often after, and you can return years later when life gets hard again.
Big-T and little-t trauma. Ryan’s work centers on trauma, from assault and abuse to grief and divorce, along with addiction, depression and anxiety. For parents, he says one of the best things you can do is talk with your children about what’s happening and normalize it.
Start before there’s a crisis. Whether you’ve been married a day or a decade, Ryan recommends inviting a third party in early. You see a doctor and go to the gym to stay healthy; relationships deserve the same maintenance. Too often couples arrive when one partner has nearly lost hope. He describes a couple whose crisis was an affair, but whose root problem was a decade of one spouse feeling unseen while the other built a business. Healing meant going back years.
How to raise it. A common pattern: one partner says “I’m not happy” for years, and the other doesn’t validate it or turns it into a contest over who has it worse. Ryan suggests saying you want to go to counseling, and that you’ll go on your own if your spouse won’t. You can’t change your partner. Continuing to accept the same response, he says, becomes your problem, which is where healthy boundaries come in.
If you decide to leave. Ryan says research points to two to three years of working on yourself before a new relationship. The real work is understanding your patterns: who you’re drawn to, why, and what you actually need. Acceptance is part of any marriage too, because no partner meets every need.
If you were told. For the spouse who didn’t see it coming, the feelings are abandonment, rejection and loneliness. Ryan says the beginning is the best time to bring in a therapist, so someone is on your side. Left unprocessed, those feelings can surface later as depression, anxiety, addiction or baggage in the next relationship.
Paying to feel uncomfortable. Ryan admits therapy is a hard sell: you pay to talk about painful things. Jon’s view is that therapy doesn’t give answers, it gives clarity, and finding the right fit is worth the effort.
Key action items
- Notice the pattern. If you keep telling friends the same story, consider talking with a professional instead.
- Think about what “better” looks like before your first session, even roughly.
- Ask your spouse to go to counseling with you, and consider going on your own if they won’t.
- If you’ve just been told, look for a therapist now rather than after the divorce is final.
- Look for fit. Ask whether a therapist offers in-person, phone or video sessions, and choose someone you feel comfortable with.
Listen next: Episode 21: When the Silence Is Deafening… Child Therapy Could Be the Answer!
Guest details reflect the time of recording.
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This episode is educational and isn’t legal, tax or financial advice. Speak with your own attorney and advisers about your situation.