In this episode: Children feel a divorce even when they can’t put it into words. Jon Peyton talks with child therapist Anna von Wodtke about how play therapy works, the signs a child may need support, when to start and how to find the right therapist.
Key insights
- Play is a child’s language. Themes that a young child can’t talk about often show up in how they play.
- The foundation is emotional vocabulary: helping a child notice and name a feeling, then learn what to do about it.
- Children can sense conflict between parents even when they don’t see it, so starting early can give them a stable point before things get hard.
- Big reactions to small things, new anxiety or changes in behavior can be signs a child is struggling.
- Therapy is meant to be time-limited, with goals set at the start and an ending planned once progress shows.
Episode timeline
- 0:00 Introduction
- 1:02 Meet Anna von Wodtke
- 1:59 Why play is a child’s language
- 8:22 “Why do I need you?”
- 10:59 Teaching children to name their feelings
- 13:30 When to start therapy during a divorce
- 17:34 Signs your child may need support
- 19:21 What progress looks like
- 21:02 Anxiety, control and fear
- 25:40 Thinking about cost
- 27:26 Therapy and medication
- 31:00 How therapy winds down
- 33:44 Therapist, psychiatrist or friend?
- 35:47 How to find the right therapist
The episode in brief
Meet the guest. At the time of recording, Anna von Wodtke was a licensed master social worker and supervisee in clinical social work at Family & Child Therapy in Vienna, Virginia, seeing children of all ages.
Play is a child’s language. You can’t sit a six-year-old down for 45 minutes to discuss tantrums at school. But the themes come out in play: whether a child fights with the characters or nurtures the baby, and how they calm themselves. Jon notes that two action figures fighting may mean more than it seems, and that parents who don’t see it in person can struggle to agree on what’s happening.
Relationship first. Anna starts by building a relationship where the child feels safe and accepted. From there she looks for themes, where things aren’t working and which skills the child needs.
“Why do I need you?” Jon plays the skeptical parent. Anna’s answer: parents usually do know what’s best for their child long term, but everyone gets caught in insecurities. Most families reach her when a parent feels out of their depth. Getting by isn’t the same as things being as good as they could be.
The core skill. Young children often don’t notice they’re feeling something. Reflecting what you see (“your fists are balled up and your face is red; are you angry?”) helps them name it. Then they learn what to do: breathe deeply, take a break, snuggle a blanket, go for a walk. A five-year-old can’t regulate alone; they need to co-regulate by saying, “I’m angry. I need help calming down.” Anna calls this emotional regulation the foundation of many therapeutic approaches.
When to start. If you’re contemplating divorce, especially with conflict or abuse in the home, Anna suggests starting as soon as you’re thinking about it. Children feel tension even when they don’t see it, and an existing relationship gives them stability when things get hard. Support yourself too: a parent who pours everything into the child and neglects themselves affects the child as well.
Signs to watch. Not every child needs therapy, especially when parents shield them from conflict. Watch for new anxiety, changes in behavior, big reactions to small things like spilled milk, statements like “I hate myself” or questions you don’t know how to answer.
Progress, not a quick fix. Anna sets goals in the first session and measures progress: fewer outbursts, a better ability to name emotions and ask for help. It takes more than a few sessions. When things shift, she plans an ending with the family, and she keeps in touch with parents while respecting the child’s confidentiality.
Anxiety. Most of her caseload is anxiety, which she sees as a relationship with control and fear. Jon describes anxiety as fear of the unknown; Anna adds that some things can’t be controlled, and learning to accept them is part of the work.
Cost and medication. Her practice didn’t take insurance at the time, though families could submit claims for reimbursement, and she noted that practices are now required to give a good-faith cost estimate. Jon calls it an investment rather than a cost. Anna sees medication as sometimes helpful or necessary, but generally worth trying therapy or other support first, given its effects on development. It’s a serious decision to make with your child’s doctor.
Finding the right fit. Therapists are licensed by state. Anna suggests the Psychology Today directory, which can be filtered by insurance and specialty, and a 10- to 15-minute consult call before booking. What matters most is feeling safe and comfortable with the person.
Key action items
- Practice naming feelings with your child by describing what you see and asking how they feel.
- Watch for changes in behavior, sleep, school or reactions to small things, and write them down.
- Consider starting early, before conflict peaks, so your child has a trusted adult outside the family.
- Ask for a short consult call before booking, and ask about fees, insurance and a good-faith estimate.
- Discuss any medication questions with your child’s doctor.
Listen next: Episode 22: Will Divorce Wipe You Out Financially?
Guest details reflect the time of recording.
Jon Peyton previously held the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) designation and no longer holds it. References in this episode reflect his credentials at the time of recording.
This episode is educational and isn’t legal, tax or financial advice. Speak with your own attorney and advisers about your situation.