In this episode: What actually happens once you decide to divorce? Jon Peyton walks through a general template, from gathering your financial information and filing the complaint through discovery, negotiation, settlement, custody and the QDRO. He also covers what to ask before hiring a family law attorney.
Key insights
- Gather your financial information before you file. It gives your attorney a baseline and lets you fact-check what the other side produces in discovery.
- Every exchange that runs through two attorneys costs both of you. Settling points directly with your spouse, in writing, saves time and money.
- When choosing an attorney, ask about their family law focus, billing increments, support staff, caseload and views on custody.
- Contested divorces cost more and can turn on state rules, such as at-fault versus no-fault grounds.
- Signing the settlement isn’t the last step. A QDRO divides retirement assets, and your estate documents and beneficiaries need updating.
Episode timeline
- 0:00 Introduction: a template, not legal advice
- 3:20 Step one: gather your financial information
- 6:50 The attorney and divorce financial analyst come first
- 7:48 Filing the complaint and serving papers
- 8:45 Jon’s experience: a bag on the door
- 11:40 Discovery
- 13:48 Uncontested divorce: negotiating directly
- 16:34 Choosing an attorney: focus, billing, support, caseload
- 21:27 The attorney’s view on custody
- 25:48 Contested divorces and at-fault states
- 30:54 Mediation, arbitration or court
- 32:58 Settlement, custody and child support
- 35:23 The QDRO and updating your estate plan
- 38:22 One step at a time
The episode in brief
A template, not a script. Every divorce varies by state, court and family. This is a general framework of what Jon has seen many divorces go through, so you can recognize where you are in your own.
Step one: gather your information. List assets, income and benefits, and collect the documents behind them. Asking your spouse for this can feel awkward. Jon suggests framing it as financial planning, which every household should be doing anyway. You’ll need the same picture to plan after the divorce.
Assemble the first two players. Your attorney needs this information to understand what you’re asking for. In more complex situations, a divorce financial analyst can organize it, identify what’s missing and present it so the attorney sees the full picture.
Filing and service. The attorney files a complaint with the court, which is then served on your spouse by a sheriff or process server. Even though Jon and his ex filed together, he remembers finding the sheriff’s yellow bag on the front door and how jarring it felt. Your attorney can also help you prepare for the conversation where you tell your spouse.
Discovery. Each side requests documents: pay stubs, bank and investment statements and more. Because you gathered your own records first, you can spot a missing account or unusual pay stub changes. Often nothing improper is going on, but a baseline lets you check.
Uncontested: keep it direct. When both sides agree on the big picture, settle as much as you can directly with your spouse, by email so it’s documented. A message that goes through two attorneys and back can take days and generates fees on both sides.
Choosing an attorney. Jon suggests five questions:
- Do they focus mainly on family law?
- How do they bill? With six-minute increments, a 13-minute call is billed as 18 minutes.
- Who supports them, such as a paralegal or assistant?
- How many active cases do they carry, and will you get timely follow-up?
- How do they, and the local courts, tend to view custody?
Custody can depend on where you are. Jon describes someone who was told by attorneys that courts in their state rarely gave fathers primary physical custody at the time. Know the difference between sole custody, primary physical custody and shared legal custody. Your work schedule and household stability can also affect the arguments.
Contested divorces. Here the other side disputes the complaint, holds back information or refuses terms. In at-fault states, infidelity may affect alimony or how assets are divided, though every judge differs. Your priority list from Episode 3 helps you decide what to trade. Hostility, especially in front of children, can count against you.
Mediation, arbitration or court. A mediator helps you reach agreement, but the result isn’t binding. Binding arbitration is. Both can cost less than court, but several full days with attorneys, a neutral and a court reporter can add up fast.
Settlement and custody. The marital or property settlement agreement spells out who gets what. Custody and child support follow, usually using your state’s guideline calculator. The judge reviews the package and, if satisfied, signs off.
After the decree. A QDRO (qualified domestic relations order) tells each retirement plan how to divide the account. Then update your estate documents and the beneficiaries on every account.
One step at a time. Line it all up, then take one step, then the next.
Key action items
- Build your financial baseline now: assets, income, benefits and copies of the documents behind them.
- Interview attorneys with a list. Ask about family law focus, billing increments, support staff, caseload and custody outlook.
- Settle what you can directly, and confirm agreements in writing before involving the attorneys.
- Compare dispute options. Ask your attorney how mediation, arbitration and court compare in cost and outcome where you live.
- Plan the follow-through: confirm who drafts the QDRO, and schedule updates to your estate documents and beneficiaries.
Listen next: Episode 9: Whose Asset Is It Anyway?
This episode is educational and isn’t legal, tax or financial advice. Speak with your own attorney and advisers about your situation.