In this episode: To be or not to be becomes to fight or not to fight. Jon Peyton walks through the real costs of a divorce: the relationship, the children, a family business, legal fees, your emotional health and your financial future. He also explains why digging in on every issue usually leaves both people with less.
Key insights
- The cost of a divorce goes well beyond legal fees. It includes the marriage itself, the effect on your children, any business you own, your emotional well-being and the money left to start over.
- Legal fees add up quickly. At $300 an hour for two to three hours a week, a year of attorney time can reach about $25,000.
- State law sets the starting point. A highly aggressive attorney still has to persuade a judge to move away from it, so “taking them to the cleaners” rarely plays out that way.
- The goal isn’t to win. It’s to keep costs down and come out as amicably as possible so you can move on.
- A written priority list shows you where to hold firm and where to let go.
Episode timeline
- 0:00 Introduction: to fight or not to fight
- 0:35 Nobody marries expecting a divorce
- 2:06 What does this divorce really cost you?
- 2:34 Cost one: a marriage that might have been saved
- 3:13 Cost two: the effect on your children
- 5:48 Cost three: a family business
- 7:24 Cost four: legal and professional fees
- 8:16 What a divorce typically costs, and why contested cases cost more
- 9:52 Community property versus equitable distribution
- 11:15 “I’m taking them to the cleaners”
- 12:32 The goal isn’t to win
- 13:17 Is that lamp worth $300 an hour?
- 15:12 The last cost: less money for your future
- 17:01 Build a priority list
- 18:25 Ask your spouse directly before the bills grow
- 19:42 Know where to fight, and take it one step at a time
The episode in brief
No one marries planning to divorce. Yet depending on the state, roughly 45% to 55% of marriages end in divorce, and the rate is higher for second and later marriages. Once a divorce is underway, the real question is how you navigate it, and whether you fight.
Cost one: the marriage itself. You may be walking away from 10 or 20 years together. If you haven’t done the work to try to save it, ask whether you’re leaving too early. That only works if both people see the problem and want to fix it.
Cost two: your children. Where will they live? Will time be split evenly? How will each of you talk about the other in front of them? A parent who criticizes the other in front of a child can shape how that child sees marriage and relationships later. Ideally both spouses do their own work first, and if the marriage still can’t be saved, they decide together how to tell the children, often with help from a family or child therapist.
Cost three: a family business. Will the business have two owners with different goals, one wanting income and the other growth? If one spouse buys out the other using company debt, a downturn like COVID can strain the business enough that alimony, a settlement note or the buyout terms can’t be paid.
Cost four: legal and professional fees. At $300 an hour, two to three hours a week for most of a year comes to roughly $25,000, before adding therapists, financial specialists or other experts. At the time of recording, Nolo.com put the average divorce at about $12,900. Contested divorces cost far more than uncontested ones. Jon and his ex filed together and paid an attorney only to review their documents, for about $1,000 plus filing fees.
State law sets the baseline. Community property states often divide marital property 50/50, with rules for separate property. Equitable distribution states aim for what’s fair, which might be 60/40 depending on the circumstances. That’s why “I’m going to take them to the cleaners” rarely works. Even an expensive, aggressive attorney has to convince a judge to depart from what state law says.
The goal isn’t to win. Ask who you’re really fighting for. Is that lamp worth $300 an hour? A 1924 Tiffany lamp inherited from your side of the family might be worth fighting for. If you hold firm there, expect to give ground somewhere else. When one side wins every point, the other side digs in, and the hours and costs climb.
The last cost is your future. Suppose $500,000 could have been split evenly, $250,000 each. If the two of you fight and the attorneys collect $100,000, you each leave with $200,000. That’s less for retirement, for education and for cash flow as you start your next chapter on your own.
Make a priority list. List everything that matters: assets, children, business interests and more. Rank it, then draw a line. Below the line are things you can let go. Above it are things worth holding firm on or compromising carefully. This matters because separation can last six to 18 months depending on your state, and longer if you argue.
When your spouse digs in, ask directly. Step outside the attorneys and send an email so it’s documented: “Help me understand why this is so important to you before we spend more on our attorneys.” When both sides dig in, the fees keep growing.
Know where to fight. Sometimes that means not fighting at all. The point is to let go of the anger that brought you here and move forward, one step at a time.
Key action items
- List the costs that matter to you. Write down what’s at stake beyond money, including your children, any business, and your own well-being.
- Estimate your legal fees. Multiply an attorney’s hourly rate by your expected hours for a realistic budget, and ask how contested versus uncontested cases usually compare.
- Learn how your state divides property. Ask an attorney whether your state follows community property or equitable distribution rules.
- Build a priority list. Rank everything, draw a line, and decide in advance where you’ll compromise.
- Put sticking points in writing. Before a disagreement goes back to the attorneys, ask your spouse by email why it matters to them.
Listen next: Episode 4: Divorce – Back to the Start
This episode is educational and isn’t legal, tax or financial advice. Speak with your own attorney and advisers about your situation.