In this episode: In the first episode of My Divorce Planner, Jon Peyton looks at how relationships reach the point of divorce. He draws on his own marriage, explains why other people’s divorce stories shouldn’t set your expectations, and makes the case for reflection, honest conversation and therapy before you decide.
Key insights
- Marriages rarely end over one thing. Couples often drift apart over children, money and how they spend their time.
- The early conversations about children, finances, careers and how you handle conflict matter. Jon and his ex skipped many of them because they’d been friends for years.
- Friends’ and family’s divorce stories are their experiences, not yours. Starting from an adversarial stance tends to put the other side on the defensive.
- Assets and children are where most disagreements, and most attorney hours, end up.
- Before you decide, do the work: reflection, therapy and real conversations with your spouse. It helps you either way, and in a contested divorce it can show you acted in good faith.
Episode timeline
- 0:00 Introduction: what this show covers
- 1:11 “Say it ain’t so”
- 2:55 How a relationship reaches this point
- 3:20 Jon’s own marriage: good times and rocky times
- 5:34 Big life changes, all at once
- 7:31 Why the early conversations matter
- 11:07 An unusually amicable divorce
- 12:58 Why other people’s stories can mislead you
- 16:59 Assets and children: where the fights happen
- 18:14 Reflection and therapy before you decide
- 20:06 The commute that taught Jon a lesson
- 28:31 Showing that you tried
- 30:46 Expect emotion, think logically
- 32:58 One step at a time
The episode in brief
Nobody marries planning to divorce. A relationship starts with sparks and passion, then commitment, often moving in together and marriage. Over time, life changes. Two people can grow apart, or something such as infidelity, debt or a midlife crisis can interrupt the relationship. This episode looks at how couples get there, and how to prepare if that day may be coming.
Jon’s own marriage. Jon and his ex had been friends since high school and dated in college, then reconnected years later and married. Within about a year they had a blended family, with a child from each of their earlier relationships and a child together. They also found they handled money and time differently. Neither person caused the end of the marriage. They grew in different directions.
Have the hard conversations early. Because they’d known each other so long, they skipped much of the getting-to-know-you work. Do you both want children? How will you manage money and plan for the future? Will you support each other’s careers? How do you fight and resolve arguments? Those conversations can feel clinical, but they’re how couples find out whether they’re aligned.
An unusual divorce. Jon and his ex wanted to stay friends. They picked up the paperwork at the courthouse together, filled it out together, lived in the same home during the separation, and used an attorney only at the end to make sure the judge would accept it. Jon is clear that this is the exception. Most couples each hire counsel, and the attorneys negotiate alimony, child support and everything else.
Other people’s stories aren’t yours. When word gets out that you’re considering divorce, friends and family often share their own experiences, sometimes bitter ones. Facts can help. Emotional baggage can push you toward an adversarial approach, which puts your spouse on the defensive and can start a fight that didn’t need to happen. Assets and children are where the hardest disagreements, and the biggest legal bills, tend to land.
Do the work first. Ideally you’ve spent time on self-reflection and, if possible, therapy together, so you understand how you got here and don’t repeat it. Jon went to therapy for a year to a year and a half during his separation and learned to communicate better and ask better questions.
The commute lesson. Jon left home before 7 a.m. and often didn’t get back until after dinner. He believed he was providing for the family. His wife, a teacher, handled the mornings, the pickups and dinner. Neither fully saw what the other was giving or needed. Better communication might have led to a different decision, such as moving closer to his office or taking a job with less income.
Showing you tried matters. If your spouse won’t do the work, you can’t change that. But in a contested divorce, being able to show you tried therapy, reflection and real conversations may help you be seen as the more reasonable party.
Expect emotion, and think logically. Most divorces are messier than Jon’s. The more emotional each point becomes, the more back-and-forth through attorneys billing by the hour. Treating it as moving on rather than winning keeps costs down and lets everyone heal faster.
One step at a time. Focus on the step in front of you, then the next.
Key action items
- Reflect on how you got here. Write down the differences that built up over time, such as children, money, time and careers, and which ones might still be resolved.
- Have the direct conversations. Talk with your spouse about the issues before deciding, and consider couples or individual therapy.
- Filter outside advice. Listen to friends’ facts, not their emotions, and decide for your own reasons.
- Document your efforts. Keep notes on what you tried, such as therapy and conversations, in case the divorce is contested.
- Plan to stay logical. Decide in advance which issues truly matter to you so emotion doesn’t drive up legal costs.
Listen next: Episode 2: Divorce – Game Over. Who Gets What?
Jon Peyton previously held the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) designation and no longer holds it. References in this episode reflect his credentials at the time of recording.
This episode is educational and isn’t legal, tax or financial advice. Speak with your own attorney and advisers about your situation.